Don't Go See These Movies!

You have a friend that is a cinephile. You know you do. He’s the one you go to when you want some advice about what movie to go see. Because going to the movies is an investment in money and time. And the choices for watching movies are plentiful. You only have so much time in a given day or week or month so you need to be choosy about the movies you see. Because nowadays, it’s more the norm for a movie to run two plus hours. Watching a movie is an investment, and it’s an investment you want to make wisely.

So. . .you turn to your friend. The cinephile.

He’s the one that when you ask him the name of his favorite movie he falls into a pensive stare and then declares that his favorite movie is some Swedish-produced film whose title is composed of three words and 36 consonants. Now, the truth is, he has never seen this film, but he also knows you haven’t. But it sounds incredibly pretentious and that’s the effect he’s going for.

He’ll ask you what your favorite movie is and you’ll be honest and say, “Well, I’m partial to Star Wars. But, clearly The Empire Strikes Back is the best of that series.”

Your cinephile friend will chuckle slightly at your clear lack of film awareness and then he will proceed to offer advice as to what movies you should see, absorb and appreciate. He will throw out a name like Bergman. He will talk about other “masters” of film then he will pause and tell you to watch the avant garde stylings of Lars von Trier, who is a master of the Danish school of “pushing the envelope of film.”

You will feel humbled by this conversation and begin searching for von Trier films so that the next time you see your cinephile friend, you can have a common foundation for film discussion.

In your search, you come across two recent von Trier films: Melancholia and Antichrist.

Because you have been humbled by what you consider a superior opinion, you will feel compelled to rent one or both of these films.

As your friend or as just another film lover I beg you not to do this. You will be wasting your time. I will be willing to bet that your cinephile friend has not seen them or, if he has, he is simply wishing to share his misery with others.

Good gracious, Melancholia and Antichrist are two of the worst movies I’ve seen in many a year.

Melancholia tells the story of a planet – Melancholia – that suddenly appears from behind the sun and is heading toward earth. As the rogue planet bears down earth, the setting on earth is an over-the-top wedding featuring none other than Kirsten Dunst. Problem is she is incredibly depressed and her sister is Charlotte Gainsborough, who is just barely keeping it all together. Why? Well. . .we’re back to the planet crashing into the earth. This movie is so bad that even having Dunst prance around naked as a jaybird does not save it.

Antichrist stars exactly three people – a toddler who we get to see fall to his death, Charlotte Gainsborough who is the wife having sex with her husband who is Willem Dafoe as their child falls to his death. Needless to say, this causes some mental issues for mom. To help her out, her husband, who might be the worst psychiatrist on the planet, decides to take her out in the middle of nowhere – which is exactly a place where she doesn’t want to go and is actually incredibly afraid of. They get there and things get interesting. Initially, they both are weirder than they are normally then she goes nuts. Then she takes a log to his junk and checks him out by causing him to ejaculate blood. Then she performs a female circumcision on herself. And then. . .it doesn’t matter. The whole movie is off the rails and is completely ridiculous.

The good news? Both Antichrist and Melancholia are beautifully shot.