Valentine's Day: A Cautionary Tale

The other morning my youngest daughter asked if I had a funny story about Valentine’s Day. The answer, of course, is absolutely. I have a story I think is funny about almost anything, but, as it turns out, this story is also a great cautionary tale to all newlywed men.

My wife and I celebrated our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple on Feb. 14, 1989. We had been married that previous August, and spent our honeymoon in Tuscaloosa at Shoney’s and Delchamps. It would be fair to say that we barely had two nickels to rub together.

But, we were happy. I was in graduate school. Rachael was working. We were poor, but we were proud and, yes, we had each other.

One quick piece of background information: My wife and her family celebrate every holiday like it may be the last holiday on Earth. My family celebrates Thanksgiving and Christmas.

So, it was an incredible surprise when, as Valentine’s Day drew closer, she came to me with a simple request.

Her: “Bret, I love you, and I know money is tight right now so I don’t think we should buy anything for each other on Valentine’s Day.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know about that. Are you sure?”

Her: “Absolutely. I love you. You love me. We love one another. I know that. You know that. We don’t need to give each other anything on Valentine’s Day to prove that.”

Me: “You’re sure? Really?”

Her: “Yes. So, we won’t buy anything for each other for Valentine’s Day. Plus, I would rather just save money for my birthday in April.”

Me: “Okay.”

Valentine’s Day rolls around. I wake up that morning preparing to go to class, and she comes to me with a card – a Valentine’s Day card. She wishes me a happy Valentine’s Day, tells me how much she loves me and hands me a wonderful card expressing the undying love she has for me.

I got nothing.

She stands. Waiting. Anticipating.

I got nothing.

I tell her I love her and then remind her of our conversation earlier in the year.

It was then that she said something that changed my married life forever and removed the scales from my eyes: “I know what I said, but I never, ever thought you would think I was serious.”

Needless to say, it was a chilly Valentine’s Day for me in 1989.

Two mistakes were made:

• First, I took seriously something that my wife said that was directly contradictory to any evidence that had been presented to that point in our marriage.
• Second, I made the huge – HUGE – mistake of reminding her of something that she said earlier that was directly contrary to what she actually believed.

It was a hard lesson but it’s one that I am more than willing to freely pass along to any newlywed young man or any young man new to a relationship.

The moral of the story? As a friend of mine says: For Valentine’s Day, flowers and a card are baseline. Everything else is considered “above and beyond.”

Happy Valentine’s Day and you’re welcome.

It Is Tradition (12.26.08)

Tradition.

It’s a powerful word.

Tradition is what keeps us moving inexorably toward a prescribed destination while keeping us firmly rooted in the sentimental past.

Tradition becomes so ingrained in our lives, we follow its direction without even thinking.

It has been my experience that the two areas of my life that are most fraught with tradition are college football and holidays. The discussion around college football could take up an entire discussion so let’s focus on holidays.

My wife and I have been married for 20 plus years so that is plenty of time for us to be absorbed into each other’s family traditions and to establish some traditions of our own.

The interesting thing about tradition is that you generally don’t question its existence until some event triggers the question.

For example, a big move or the birth of a child.

Both have occurred in our family.

Right after I received my master’s degree, my wife and I moved to Texas. This effectively put on hold any kind of holiday tradition.

When we returned to Alabama and were living in Escambia County, tradition re-established its grip on us until our first child was born.

At that time, one new tradition was established and another was adjusted for this single life event.

Tradition dictated that at Thanksgiving and Christmas, Rachael and I would make the five-hour round-trip that took us to Birmingham to see Rachael’s parents and then on to Decatur to see my parents. I would venture to say that traveling with an infant is akin to preparing the Space Shuttle to be launched into space – and they have an entire team of trained professionals.

With Rachael extremely great with child in November 1993, it was decided that we couldn’t get too far afield of the hospital where our child was to be born. So, we went to the panhandle of Florida for Thanksgiving with her parents because we were a short hop from Pensacola and Sacred Heart Hospital.

Sure enough, the day after Thanksgiving 1993, we made the drive to Pensacola where our daughter was born. Since that time, we have celebrated Thanksgiving and our daughter’s birthday at the beach.

Living in South Alabama with a baby also adjusted the tradition of travel. After making the trip with an infant at least twice, I made the executive decision to spend Christmas at our house and have our parents come to us.

When we moved to Birmingham, the tradition was adjusted again because now we were closer and the traveling was not as stressful on us or the children.

The move also allowed us to re-establish a tradition that had begun when Rachael and I were still dating. And it is a tradition that was questioned most recently by my youngest. That’s another terrific thing about kids – they will question anything – including time-honored traditions.

“Daddy, why do we eat at the Chinese restaurant on Christmas Eve?”

Well, Katharine, back in the day (pre-1988 Birmingham), not every store was open – including restaurants. It is a practical impossibility for my children to understand the concept that a store might actually be closed at any moment, much less on a holiday.

My children listen in slack-jawed wonderment as I tell them that when I was a child, we actually had to ensure we had fuel and other provisions lest we get stuck on the highway on a Sunday – when there was nothing open. You would think we traveled in covered wagons. Anyway, I digress.

Rachael’s mom wasn’t too keen on cooking the night before Christmas so we went out to eat.

One of the few places open was a great little Chinese restaurant called Joy Young’s. When it closed, we moved elsewhere and the tradition continues.

For someone who wants to establish the tradition of eating chicken fingers pretty much every night, I can tell this is one tradition that Katharine will change when she has the opportunity.

And that leads to another dilemma.

When you are a child, you are beholden to the traditions of family. Even if you don’t care for that tradition, it is a part of you like your nose or arm.

So when is it okay to adjust that long-held family tradition?

My wife and I team teach a Christian marriage class (yes, despite what you may have heard, the Bible has much to teach us about love and marriage) in the summer with another couple. The young people who take the class tend to be young (in their 20s) and either are engaged to be married in the next few months or have been married for less than a year.

Each year we ask these couples the same question: “What are the most difficult subjects for you to tackle as a newly-engaged or newly-married couple?”

And each year the two winning answers are: Money and tradition.

Money seems obvious.

However, I think we all expected the second answer to be “sex.” But, apparently, this is not an issue early on, but see us after a few years. Sorry, I digress again.

Tradition.

You have a young man who is used to being with his immediate family for a nice, quiet Christmas Even dinner married to a young woman who is used to being with her 50 plus extended family for a raucous Christmas Eve dinner. The reconciliation can be difficult and there is no easy answer.

So here we are. Tradition driving us forward.

One of my favorite comic strips (a tradition that is slowly fading as the printed paper slowly fades away. I made the mistake of asking someone under the age of 30 if they had seen this comic strip. Blank stare and a chuckle is what I got for an answer.) is “Baby Blues.” The strip takes us into the lives of the MacPherson family – Mom Wanda, Dad Darryl, Big Sister Zoe, Big Brother Hammie, and Baby Wren.

A recent strip showed Zoe and Hammie standing in line to have their picture taken Santa Claus.

Hammie asks Zoe: “What are we doing again?”

Zoe: “We’re standing in line to get our picture taken with Santa Claus.”

Hammie: “And why are we doing it?”

Zoe: “Because it’s tradition.”

Hammie: “Oh.”

Hammie: “What’s tradition?”

Zoe: “I think it’s French for ‘boredom.’”

Quick Movie Reviews (Holiday Special - 12.6.08)

A Nod to Rankin-Bass

They call it animagic.

Each figurine that you see on the screen has free range of motion and is assigned a technician. So at each camera frame, the technician moves the figurine ever so slightly so that at the end of the production, these frames are run so that the figurines appear they are moving.

In this era of computer-generated imagery, it’s always nice to remember and appreciate the old school “animation” work. And nothing says “old school” like the work of Arthur Rankin and Jules Bass. And, frankly, nothing heralds the beginning of the holiday season like the arrival of Rankin-Bass holiday TV specials.

Much of their work has been relegated to random cable channels available to a few lucky folks across the country. Other than “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” the big networks today largely ignore the other Rankin-Bass work.

A friend of mine and I, who are in our 40s, were talking to a couple of young people, who were 30 or so, and mentioned the Rankin-Bass work and specifically riffed on the great Snow Miser-Heat Miser song from “The Year Without a Santa Claus.”

Guess what? They had no idea what we were talking about.

How about Hermey the elf? Nothing.

How about Yukon Cornelius? Nothing.

What if there are others like them? What a horrible reality that would be. Imagine. Growing up and not experiencing Rankin-Bass during the holidays.

So, to help my younger friends get a better understanding of Rankin-Bass Holiday TV Specials, I offer the following quick reviews. All of these specials are available on DVD.

One note: These are quick reviews of only Rankin-Bass specials using the animagic process so you won’t find “Frosty” here.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)
This hour-long special is the flagship for Rankin-Bass. It’s got it all – drama, comedy, singing, and dancing. Well written and engaging, this special never gets old and continues to resonate in the consciousness of most Boomers (AFLAC recognizes this). You have the added bonus of Burl Ives being the narrator. We’re introduced to Hermey the Elf, the Land of Misfit Toys, Yukon Cornelius, and the “Bumble.” If you don’t watch any other Rankin-Bass specials, this is the one.

The Little Drummer Boy (1968)
Aaron gives the only gift he has to the baby in the manger – a song on his drum. This 30-minute special is narrated by Greer Garson and stars Jose Ferrer as Ben Haramid. The Vienna Boys choir sings the title song. The production quality of this special has not held up well over the years but I still get misty at the end when Aaron’s pet lamb, Bimbaba, is run over by a runaway cart. One note to parents of little kids: Aaron is orphaned when his parents are murdered by bandits.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town (1970)
Fred Astaire narrated this hour-long special that got its inspiration from the song of the same name. It tells the story of Santa and answers many questions: Where does Santa’s suit come from? Why does Santa come down a chimney? Why does Santa put stuff in stockings? It also introduces a great character – Burgermeister Meisterburger. Mickey Rooney voices Kris Kringle/Santa Claus. Admittedly, some of the songs are cringe-inducing but if you watch it for any reason, you must watch Miss Jessica sing her solo while accompanied by interesting visual effects. You keep expecting Grace Slick to show up.

The Year Without a Santa Claus (1974)
So Santa (Mickey Rooney) wakes up with a cold. To help out, Mrs. Claus (Shirley Booth) calls the world’s grumpiest elf doctor. He tells Santa to take the year off because no one cares or believes. Thus we begin a series of shenanigans. We meet Jingle and Jangle, two of Santa’s elves whose hearts are in the right place but need to stick to making toys. We meet Ignatius Thistlewhite and his family, who live in Southtown (apparently they don’t have an orthodontist in Southtown). The songs are passable but the clear showstopper here are the Miser Brothers – Snow Miser and Heat Miser. Their song is one of the true Rankin-Bass classics (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy does a great version).

Nestor, The Long-Eared Christmas Donkey (1977)
Okay, I’ll go ahead and warn you that the “cheese” factor on this 30-minute special is off the scale. Roger Miller tells the tale of Nestor, who is born with unusually long ears. Of course he is mocked and teased. And, in following a tried and true tradition, Nestor’s mother is killed off early on. But Nestor’s destiny lies elsewhere. Despite years of rejection, he winds up carrying a young couple to Bethlehem. Turns out the young couple is Mary, who was “great with child,” and her husband, Joseph. Nestor’s ears help guide them through a sandstorm and protect Mary and her unborn child. Brenda Vaccaro voices Tilly, a Christmas angel.

Happy Holidays!