Of Progressive Lenses and Chipper Jones

It’s been a point of pride for some time now that my wife is older than I am. Granted, it’s only two years, but, as it turns out, these are a couple of important years. Plus, for the time between April 14 and June 30, she is actually three years older than I am.

This age disparity has made for some interesting conversations and plenty of fun over the years. When my wife and I first met, I was actually 19 years old. A mere teen. This meant that Rachael was 21. As such, her mother would introduce us not as a couple but as Rachael and “her friend, Bret.” Apparently, according to unwritten Southern manners, it was not polite for a lady of Rachael’s advanced years to be showing romantic tendencies toward one so young.

Inevitably, the march of time is the great equalizer. Generally, Rachael has experience the vagaries of age sooner than I,but those experiences only provide glimpses to what I have in store. And there are moments that clearly mark the passage of time as age takes its toll on the body.

Three moments have marked the passage of time for me in the past few weeks.

First came an adjustment to my glasses. Now I’ve pretty much had extremely poor eyesight since the second grade. I’ve never been a contacts kind of person – there’s something about putting one’s finger in one’s eye that just gives me the creeps.  I’m also not the kind of guy who wants to have elective surgery on his eyeballs either. So it’s been glasses over the years.


A shot of the new "progressive" lenses. See. . .No Lines!

Yes, the prescription of the glasses has gotten stronger as age and computers have taken their toll, but all of this is normal. Then came the discovery a few weeks ago that I needed progressive lenses.



Now, for those of you who are not aware, “progressive” is the new, modern term for “bi-focals.” There is no line visible in the lens but they “progressively” get stronger as you lower your line of vision so you can “progressively” read smaller type easier as you “progressively” have to read more about the medication you’re taking as you are “progressively” getting older.

It was to my great satisfaction that my wife, who is also near-sighted, a couple of years ago had to get progressive lenses. It was yet another example of my wife’s advancing age as I stayed eternally youthful. But the fun and games at my wife’s expense stopped when I noticed it became more and more difficult to see the tiny type on the back of a TV I was installing or that I simply couldn’t focus on the type in the newspaper or that I had to bump up the size of the type on my Kindle.

Now, to add insult to injury, this is the year that Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves has announced his retirement. Unless he has a change of heart, this will be his last year to play professional baseball. I’ve gone over it a dozen times and I cannot simply cannot remember another player whom I’ve followed closely from the beginning of his career to the end of his career like Chipper Jones.

He’s always been with the Braves. I’ve always been a Braves fan. I’ve seen Braves players come and go, but Chipper has been with the Braves since 1993. And he’s retiring because he is over the hill at the age of 40.

Chipper Jones, who is old at 40

Yes, I know he will be in the Hall of Fame and all that, but it’s Chipper Jones. He’s not supposed to retire yet. One of the sportswriters in Birmingham suggested that Chipper go ahead and pack it in now because his knees are shot and he’s only hurting the team by hanging on.

For me, at age 45, there has been much joy in Mudville as I have watched Chipper hobble out to the plate and crush two home runs this season that have sparked the heretofore pathetic Braves’ offense.

But you can have your progressive lenses and your Chipper Jones retirement. The true moment at which I knew age was upon me like a thief in the night was seeing my oldest daughter try on her cap and gown. She picked it up last week from school and is slated to graduate from high school on May 24.

My little girl will be heading to Auburn University in the fall.

I will be visiting – often. The good news is I’ll be able to see things clearer. Maybe I’ll run into Chipper and we can talk about the inevitability of aging.