By the time you read this, there will be two things you already know about this summer blockbuster. . .
First. . .in just two weeks, it has grossed almost $300 million. Compare that to Disney’s Up (2009), which has grossed about $267 million over six weeks.
Second. . .it is one of the worst reviewed movies of the summer. I have been hard-pressed to find any critic who actually has good things to say about this movie.
What else is there for me to say? Here’s the bottomline: This is not a good movie. Are there good points, sure. But when it was all said and done, I was wishing I could have gotten my money back.
For the sake of brevity, here are my observations of this film divided into two parts:
Good Bots
Explosions. If you like Michael Bay-directed films and all that entails, then this movie is your nirvana. Small explosions. Medium explosions. Big explosions. Huge explosions.
Megan Fox. I’m not complaining but, let’s face it, if she airbrushes art onto all the motorcycles like that then there is not a whole lot of work getting done at that shop. She also gets to do a Baywatch run.
Robots. You like robots? Then this movie is for you. They are all over the place.
The Witwicky Parents. Played by two solid character actors – Kevin Dunn and Julie White – I thought they were great in the first movie and they are great in this sequel for the first part.
Michael Papajohn. The Birmingham native plays Mikaela’s dad. He’s only in the movie for about five minutes but I always give props to a hometown boy.
Weaponry. If you’re into guns (small guns, big guns, bigger guns), then this movie provides a virtual cornucopia of military hardware.
Bad Bots
Dialog. Good gracious. I thought Lucas was bad with dialog. This movie takes character interaction to a whole new low.
Ramon Rodriguez. When he read the script, do you think he understood that he basically would be the Curly of the Transformers Three Stooges (including John Turturro and Shia LaBeouf). He spends the entire movie whining, crying or getting tazed.
Bad Language. Yes, it’s PG-13. But, dang, the obscene language is pervasive. My 11-year-old was with me and it got uncomfortable.
The Witwicky Parents. Bay obviously heard from a lot of people how lovable they were, so he turned it up to 11 for this movie. After we get past the first part of the movie, the parents suddenly just get nutty.
The Brownie Scene. Mrs. Witwicky gets a hold of a special brownie and then proceeds to act like an idiot – for 10 minutes. She runs all over campus yelling crazy stuff about “robots” and Sam, her son, “losing his cherry.” Yes, I’m serious.
The Transformer Heaven Scene. Hmmm. . .it’s hard to describe and I would hate to give anything away but let’s just say I stifled quite a bit of laughter during this whole stoopid “it’s your destiny” scene.
John Turturro. Wow. Here is a guy who has done some great work and in this movie he plays the village idiot. I was actually embarrassed for him.
Skids and Mudflap. I am not the most PC individual on the planet but let me just say this – had these two guys been people and not robots, this movie would have been shut down before it got started.
The Rail Gun. Okay. . .so they use this weapon to take down a ginormous decepticon with a single shot. Then it is never used again. Add to that, the rail gun attack was basically called in by Turturro calling a naval vessel directly. Seriously?
Scrotum Jokes. I am a fan of a good kick to the groin (in the movies) and the occasional attempt at potty humor, but it’s like the writers were trying to reach a certain quota and, unfortunately, most of it wasn’t funny.
Too Long. This movie comes in at around 2 hours and 20 minutes. Way too long. Where is the editor?
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